Learning the importance of capturing memories
For us or really for me this is BIG but I'll get into that more later..
Fall is my favorite time of year. (Yes I know it's everyone's favorite time of year - But all trends aside it seriously is mine) For those of you who may not know me all that well as of yet I'm not a fan of summer ( I mean look at that snow white, Casper the friendly ghost looking complexion. ) I know that sounds crazy to pretty much everyone I have ever met but I just don't handle the heat well in any way, shape or form.
Fall brings more then just the holiday season, changing leaves and pumpkin spice EVERYTHING.
It also brings the crisp cool air and sweater weather. I Love being able to wear pretty much anything be it a sweatshirt,over sized sweater,or a simple tank or t - shirt with a cardigan! Bring on the over the knee boots and flannels because I for one am here for it!
Living in a state that has all 4 seasons it is a beautiful time of year especially for pictures! Besides the weather being more tolerable and the flexibility to wear all kinds of different outfit combinations. It also has what I would argue is the best natural scenery. The changing rich colors are breath taking and seem to compliment one another.
I couldn't be happier with how our first family photos came out! We went through Amber Lynn Photography owned and operated by Amber Hilton. I knew Amber prior to the start of her photography business so that definitely helped me in terms of being comfortable which is very important.
You see I never grew up taking family pictures. In fact up until several months ago I didn't have a single picture of my immediate family which is crazy! It's not something that I noticed much growing up. Sure I saw it depicted on movies, television and through my friends in school when I would go to their house but it simply wasn't something my family did. That's not to say that we didn't take pictures but it was more of one person or a few of us, not posed or professional and certainly not of all of us.
I have my mother to thank for the majority of the pictures I have at all of my childhood as she was the only one behind the camera.
I guess it didn't bother me because for the longest time I was probably the shyest young girl and I would argue I was born that way.
So needless to say I wouldn't have wanted any part of it. And somewhere in-between me growing out of most of my shyness ( although I can still be shy from time to time as most of us can depending on the circumstances) I became very self conscious, suddenly aware of my appearance and consumed by body image issues that I am still battling with heavily today.
So understandably for those reasons I shied away from the camera as much as physically possible.
I could be found going through photos my mother had thoughtfully captured and paid to have developed ( ahh the days before everything was electronic. When you didn't have a clue how the photo came out until you waited days for it to be developed) picking through them to destroy any in which I thought I looked fat or gross. I honestly haven't a clue or even a remote guess of how many photos I probably destroyed during that time but looking back, especially now as a mother myself I feel bad. As hard as it was for me then to look at those photos they probably meant a lot to my mother and I took some of that away - unintentionally of course but still it breaks my heart.
Don't let these photos fool you I am still riddled with body image issues - but the point is that I'm working on it.
What changed you may ask?
Well other then having the most handsome and precious baby boy and a very supportive husband who have both been huge positive influences and motivators for me I was also granted a second chance.
Like no matter how far away I was she wanted to do everything she could to still care for me. That's what all these gestures were. I remember that at times being a young adult trying to figure things out and being consumed in my own little world I didn't always appreciate these acts as much as I should have. I didn't notice how meaningful and amazing they were. Sometimes I would even find them overbearing. I didn't always answer her calls and I sent her very few letters in return.
What I didn't know was how much weight the guilt of not fully appreciating these acts of kindness would have on me. Nor how much that would later affect me both physically and emotionally.
Within the first year of my now husband and I moving out of the home we had rented for the past 4 years and moving into our current home which we have since paid off, I in a sense lost my mother.
My mother (as well as most of my family) have suffered from a laundry list of health problems.
One of these for my mother was mental illness. There had been rough times for her that I can remember vaguely as they happened at a young age for me, but for the most part with her medication regimen and health care provider team she was doing amazing and was very present and what most would just consider "normal".
Looking back at that time, I can see the signs I missed. I can see it in the little things she would say or not say , conversations we had, etc. But again during this time in my young adult life I was very consumed in everything that was going on in my own life. (I won't go into all the details in this post but perhaps will touch on it more in it's own post later on down the road in the hopes of bringing more awareness to the overall issue at hand.)
By the time I realized how bad things had gotten it was too late.
My mother suffers from schizophrenia and had slipped to a point where she essentially went AWOL.
She cut off her cell phone and left her apartment with most her belongings left behind.
I can't explain how lost and helpless I felt during this time having essentially no way of tracking her down and finding her even to know if she was simply ok or still alive.
I went to the police, tried reaching out to shelters and health care offices.
But I got very limited if any information.
I went from being able to literally call her any time to not even knowing if she was inside, safe and warm during the harsh winter or the cold rain.
During the next nearly four years I went through every large milestone of my life all without being able to share them with my mother.
I changed jobs, got engaged, planned and had my wedding. I went on my honeymoon, started trying for a baby, bought my first car, went through pregnancy and birth.
Near the end of my pregnancy I started printing pictures and putting together frames etc from our wedding and other life events. I found it helped pass the time and gave me a creative outlet that my very tired and very pregnant body could handle and enjoy.
During that time I came to the very hard realization that I had two pictures of my mother to my name.
TWO
That's not a lot. My brother has a few from way before my time. But in terms of photos of my mother looking as I remembered her, I had two. For all I knew they would be the only two photos of my mother that I would ever have.
The deep sadness I felt knowing this was all I would have to show and share with my son and any of our future children was beyond heartbreaking because I knew that just wouldn't be enough to create and keep the memory of her alive for them.
For years I had felt as though I was mourning the loss of someone who wasn't dead - or at least I hoped not.
Upon being recently reconnected to her this year I found out that she had been diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. As I'm sure you can imagine this was all... a lot.
I went through a lot during the next few days ... months really.
I was a new mom, still post partum recovering from a c- section and trying to get a hold of breast feeding.
How blessed and amazing it was to be reconnected to my mother who I had missed so much. But at the same time it seemed like some sort of a sick joke that I would lose her for what felt like forever to then be reconnected to her. And in the same breath be told that our time essentially would be limited.
After some time and a lot of tears I looked myself in the mirror and said:
"You have two ways that you can chose to look at this." :
1. You can be mad, spiteful, and just angry at the world. And in doing so you will squander this opportunity and find yourself right where you started.
- or -
2. You can look at this as a blessing. You are being granted time that you didn't think you would ever have. You can take all that guilt that you had for not calling more, writing and sending her more letters, taking pictures, etc and DO THEM! Now is your chance. You have been gifted an opportunity that most do not have because you have been on both sides.
During this time I also took a good, hard look at myself and said I would work on not standing in my own way.
To be included in that I would take more pictures - willingly.
I would make a stronger effort to capture moments to have as memories because I would never wish my own children, my husband or for myself to ever be in the position of trying to build a memory out of ashes again.
This is one of many large steps. And I'm so happy I did it! I Love the photos! I don't care that in some of them my hair isn't "perfect" or that I look "fat" at certain angles.
These photos are our beautiful family and I am proud of them.
Thank you Amber Lynn Photography for making me feel comfortable. For being patient and kind and giving us your time.
Getting photos done with a little one can be complicated. You can plan as much as you want but children can be what some would refer to as "unpredictable" When I contacted several other photographers I was honestly taken aback.
There were limits on time most commonly one hour. Now don't get me wrong I understand that there needs to be some sort of guideline as their time is valuable and I by no means expect them to spend their entire day with us but with a little one I knew that things like changing diapers, clothes, feeding etc were going to happen and when I voiced this concern I was basically told that they understood and that it was fine but that it would result in less time for photos aka less photos.
Some charging several hundred dollars with the promise of only 10 photos out of a one our shoot ...
We definitely found the right photographer for us. Our photos came out amazing and I was pleasantly surprised when our photos came back edited in like 2 days!
(To give a quick comparison the last time I had professional photos done it took over 6 months for them to be returned to us.)
I can't wait to blow up some prints for our home as well as creatively gift them this holiday season :)
- JW
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